Hitsugi's blonde jokes has inspired me to create this topic...

Post some jokes that you know, I'll start.

This is a pick up line:
Motion your finger for girl to come over to you, when she gets there say, I just made you come with one finger, imagine what I could do with TWO!

Green minded folks will get it!

Here's another one...
My old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next!"

They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

"Total absence of humor renders life impossible."

Host: Saan ang dream vacation mo?
Girl Contestant : Amangpulo.


Host: What was the very first gift that you gave to your girlfriend?
Male Contestant: Uhmm... taptoy.
Host: What taptoy?
Male Contestant: Taptoy na teddy bird.


Host: What's your ideal age for marriage?
Girl: Uhmm... I am not sure...
Host: Hindi... Kunwari ikaw, more or less...?
Girl: Uhmm... more.
(crowd booing...)
Sige, Sige... Less, less....


Host: If you had a foreigner friend, where will you bring him to
showcase the beauty of the Philippines? Girl Contestant: Bocaue.
Host: Bocaue...? Why Bocaue?
Girl: Because it's a magnificent place.
Host: Which part of Bocaue?
Girl: The Bocaue Rice Terraces.
(Banawe kaya 'yon!)


Host: Who's your favorite author?
Contestant: Danielle Steele.
Host: Why Danielle Steele?
Contestant: Because... because Danielle Steele, I like best. Thank
you.


Host: How would you like me to address you?
Contestant: My address is Project 8, Quezon City.


Host: What is your best feature?
Contestant: My graduation feature.


Host: So tell us, why did you join this contest?
Contestant: Me? Join this contest? Why did I... That's all. Thank
you!


Host: What do you want to be after you graduate?
Contestant: I want to be a successful Medicine.


Host: Hindi ito boob... hindi ito tube... Pero tinatawag itong
boobtube. Ano ito?
Contestant: BRA!


Host: What would you like to say to foreigners?
Contestant: Please come back.


Host: What is your typical day?
Contestant: I think Saturday po!


(Gay Contest)
Host: Ano ang advantage mo sa ibang contestant?
Gay Contestant: I think and believe na bilang isang bading...
(long pause)...Ano nga po ulit yung question?


Host: Which part of your body is your best asset?
Contestant: (believe it or not she answered) ...Si Melanie Marquez
po!


Host: What is your favorite motto?
Contestant: (after a long pause) I don't have a motto eh.
(so the crowd starts helping her out. the crowd started saying, "Time
is gold! Time is gold!")
Contestant: I have na po. Chinese gold!


Host: If you were to describe the color blue to a blind person, how
would you do it?
Contestant: That's a very good question. Keep it up. (then the girl
turns and walks away.)


Host: Who is your favorite fictional character?
Girl: JOSE RIZAL! (crowd starts laughing.)
Host: Who is your favorite hero then?
Girl: Hulk Hogan.


Host: If you were to become a superhero, what would your power be?
Girl Contestant: Uhmm... bumble bee!


Host: What is your edge over the other contestants?
Girl Contestant: My edge is 23 years old.



Host: What, in your opinion, is the ideal age for marriage?
Girl: Between 24 and 25!


Host: How do you see yourself 10 years from now?
Girl: I'll be 28.


Host: Describe your special someone in three words.
Girl: Kahit nga po 1 word, kaya ko.
Host: Ok, sige...
Girl: In one word... MY LIFE!


Host: If you were given any special power, what would it be?
Girl: Power of Attorney!


Host: So you like reading, who's your favorite author?
Girl: Uhmm, Shakespeare.
Host: What works of Shakespeare?
Girl: Hindi ko po alam eh.
Host: But he's your favorite...?
Girl: Eh... kasi patay na sya eh.

Host: What is the biggest problem facing the youth today?
Girl: Drugs.
Host: Why?
Girl: Mahal eh!


Host: Hey, I heard you almost didn't make it, how did you get here?
Did you ride or did you walk?
Gay Contestant: Of course, did you
ride. What do you think of me, did you walk?

:lol:

Some di ko nagets... Kasi hindi sila chicken eh, hehehe. Pero ok sya pare, ok sya!

To the women:
Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking?
They've got boyfriends already.

XDD Haha na-green ako dun sa joke mo, Terensu! Kakatawa!! Hehe... Ang ingay ko tuloy kahit na dapat tahimik para di malaman na tumakas ako sa kuwarto... :lol:

Laugh due to kornyness with this joke...
My cousine told me this one...he portrayed it real good though...with a serious face!!!
He's only 14 you know!!! hihihihihi! ^_^



What do u call a guy who steals shoes???











ROBBER-SHOES! Nyahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!
:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

What did the ghost have for dessert????











ICE-SCREAM!!!!!! BUWAHahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!
:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

Eto mga Erap jokes! no offense sa mga loyalista ni Erap.. Toinkz!




Erap: Soli ko nabili ko VHS tape!
Jinggoy: Bkit dad?
Erap: Walang picture tyaka sound eh, sayang suspense pa yata
Jinggoy: Ano title?
Erap: Head Cleaner.

*********************

Announcer : The ship will sink in 5 minutes.....go to your

designation boat.
BUSH : Let the ladies go first.
Bin LADEN : F&*k those ladies, were all dying!
ERAP : thinking(Huh?!....f&*k those ladies?!)......
ERAP : May oras pa ba?


*********************

Erap: miss pabili nga po ng ballpen.
Miss: sori po sir wala po kmi ballpen.

(inis na lumabas c Erap)
Erap: my God! Penshoppe walang ballpen.

*********************

Si Erap, nataihan ng ibon.
Maid: Sir, eto po ang tissue.
Erap: Pano mo pa pupunasan ang pwet non e nakalipad na.

*********************

ERAP BUMPS FOREIGNER...

ERAP: Sorry!
FOREIGNER: Sorry 2!
ERAP: (napaisip) Im sorry 3!
FOREIGNER: What are you sorry 4?
ERAP: Sorry 5!
FOREIGNER: Sorry but your SICK!
ERAP: Sorry 7! (kala yata neto d ako marunong magbilang ah....)

*********************

Erap: (crying) Tumawag ang doktor... Mom's dead!
Zamora: Condolence, sir.
(After 2 minutes, Zamora hears Erap crying even louder)
Zamora: What's wrong now?
Erap: My sister just called. Her mom died too!

NYAHAHAHAHA, ayos! I love the sorries hahaha!

@Tea mabenta ba sayo erap jokes? ehehehe..

****************

Dalaga: inay pupunta ako sa plaza..
Nanay: wag, maraming rapist..
Dalaga: ok lng inay panty ko lata..

after1 hour

Dalaga: inay na-rape ako!
Nanay: Gaga! kala ko pantymo lata!?
Dalaga: inay may abrilata cla.

LOl pasimuno nanaman kayong dalawa hahaha

Nyahahaa... Na iimagine ko kasi si Erap pag nababasa ko yung mga ganun eh.

@tea
madami ako nyan dati eh may parang libro na puno ng erap jokes kaya lng nawala ko eh pinampunas ng pwet ng lolo ko

Post pa kayo ng Erap jokes!

******************

Men can never win...

If you work too hard, you're not spending enough time with her.
If you don't work hard enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.

If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, it's exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your butt and find something better.

If you get a promotion ahead of her, it's favoritism.
If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.

If you cry, you're a wimp.
If you don't, you're insensitive.

If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist.
If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.

If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination.
If she asks you, it's a favor.

If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain.
If you don't, you're a slob.

If you buy her flowers, you're after something.
If you don't, you're not thoughtful.

If you're proud of your achievements, you're an egotist.
If you're not, you're not ambitious.

If she has a headache, she's tired.
If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore.

@Tea asus kunyari kapa idol mo c erap eh.. Toinkz!

@rofe bkit nmn yun pinampunas mo? eheheh

******************

NEIL: Ma'm totoo bang galing tayu sa unggoy?
TEACHER: Oo ayon sa theory ni Charles Darwin galing tayo sa unggoy.
NEIL: E mam bat kayo mukang kabayo?!?

Leader, di totoo yan... Idol ko si Jinggoy!

@neil
hindi ako hehehehehe

@topic
xenxa na la akong wenta pagdating sa ganitong bagay hehe

Hanap ka lang ng jokes Rofe, para masaya... YAY!

*************

The meaning of it all...

WHAT WOMEN SAY
(what they mean)

I JUST NEED SOME SPACE
(without *you* in it)

DO I LOOK FAT IN THIS DRESS?
(we haven't had a fight in a while)

NO, PIZZA'S FINE
(you cheap SOB!)

I JUST DON'T WANT A BOYFRIEND NOW
(I just don't want you as a boyfriend now)

I DON'T KNOW; WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?
(I can't believe you have nothing planned)

COME HERE
(my puppy does this too.)

WE'RE MOVING TOO QUICKLY
(I'm not going to sleep with you until I find out if this guy at the gym has a girlfriend)

I'LL BE READY IN A MINUTE
(I'm ready, but I'm going to make you wait because I know you will)

I'M JUST GOING OUT WITH THE GIRLS
(We're gonna get sloppy and make fun of you and your friends)



WHAT MEN SAY
(what they mean)

I'M HUNGRY
(I'm hungry)

CAN I CALL YOU SOMETIME?
(I'd eventually like to have sex with you)

CAN I TAKE YOU OUT TO DINNER?
(I'd eventually like to have sex with you)

LET ME GET YOUR DOOR
(I'd eventually like to have sex with you)

NICE DRESS!
(Nice cleavage!)

YOU LOOK TENSE, LET ME GIVE YOU A MASSAGE
(I want to fondle you)

WHAT'S WRONG?
(What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?)

I'M BORED
(Do you want to have sex?)

WILL YOU MARRY ME?
(I might as well get tax benefits for going through these talks while shopping)

YES, THAT ONE'S NICE
(Why do you ask when you aren't going to listen anyway?)

I DON'T THINK THAT BLOUSE AND THAT SKIRT GO WELL TOGETHER
(I'm gay)

IT MAKES YOU LOOK FAT
(I'm really stupid!)

OMG! Hahahaha! XD I love the last joke!!

Pasensya na wala ako ma-post. yung mga alam ko na jokes puro green eh. Di ata puwede i-share dito

OK lang yun... Wag lang masyadong graphic!

******************

Mahaba-haba to...

If Men Ruled the World:

Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically forward your call to her real number.

Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response to "I love you."

Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.

When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.

The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.

"Sorry I'm late, but I got really wasted last night" would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.

At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and you'd jump out your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car like Fred Flintstone.

It'd be considered harmless fun to gather 30 friends, put on horned helmets, and go pillage a nearby town.

Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the"public ugliness" ordinance.

Tanks would be far easier to rent.

Garbage would take itself out.

Instead of beer belly, you'd get "beer biceps."

Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said, "You're #1!"

Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years.

On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day off to go drinking. Mother's Day, too. St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly the same. But it would be celebrated every month.

COPS would be broadcast live, and you could phone in advice to the pursuing cops. Or to the crooks.

The victors in any athletic competition would get to kill and eat the losers.

It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.

Every man would get four real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year.

When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine. As in: Cop: "You know how fast you were going?" You: "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place." Cop: "Nice one. That's $10 off."

Daisy Duke shorts would never again go out of style.

Telephones would automatically cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.

NANAY: anak damihan mo sinaing kasama na dyan ang aso at pusa.
ANAK: Oo nay.

Pagkatapos.....

NANAY: Lintek! Bakit may pusa sa sinaing?!?
ANAK: Sama ko sana aso pero di na kasya.


**************


AHAS1: Makamandag ba tayo?
AHAS2: Ewan, bakit?
AHAS1: Nakagat ko dila ko kanina eh, kinakabahan ako.

ahehe :lol:

****************************************
Erap: Tra Punta Tau Disney Land
FPJ: Cge
(Nakakita Cla ng Detour "Disneyland Left")
Erap: Sayang
FpJ: OO nga mukhang nakaalis na bkas na lang
****************************************
Dentist: We have to stop seeing each other
Patient : why we love each other
Dentist: Youre running out of excuses
Patient: what do you mean?
Dentist: wala ka na kasing ngipin :lol:
****************************************
sowi korni eh wla meh magagawa >_< hehehe

Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits. After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude.

In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door. "Who is it?", calls one of the nuns. "Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door. The two nuns look at each other and shrug, and, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door.

"Nice tits," says the man, "where do you want these blinds?"

hehe i wish i was a blind man

Topic:
Man:Father forgive me for i have sinned
Father: bakit anak ano ba ginawa mo?
Man: Pinatay ko po lht ng naniniwala sa Dyos
Father: (silent)
Man: Kau po ba naniniwa sa kanya
Father: Huh cno ba un?

Once a boy came crying from school. When he arrived to his house, he told he dad still crying, "Dad, a kid in school called me gay."

"Hit him next time." The dad said.

"No...he's too cute."

^nice one~!!!

SAYINGS TO LIVE BY:

1. birds of the same feather are the same birds

2. do not do unto others what you cant do

3. an apple a day is not an apple at night

4. when the cat is away the mouse is alone

5. if others can do it, dont help

6. tell me who your friends are and I'll tell you mine

7. early to bed and early to rise makes you sleepy in the afternoon

8. ang ilog na tahimik ay malalim, ang ilog na maingay may naglalaba


=_=;; pasensya na po kung sobranh corny.. *gets shot*

:lol:

Q: Anong ang inumin ng boxingero?

A: Punch

wakokokokokokokoko :lol:

Ahihihi, this is a bit geeky...

--------------

A language instructor was explaining to her class that French nouns, unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine. Things like 'chalk' or 'pencil,' she described, would have a gender association although in English these words were neutral. Puzzled, one student raised his hand and asked, 'What gender is a computer?'

The teacher wasn't certain which it was, and so divided the class into two groups and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. One group was made up of the women in the class, and the other, of men. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.

The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because:

1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.

2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.

3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you might have had a better model.

The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.

3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

pedro(text): pare, pa pasaload naman ng 2 pesos may kelangan lang ako itext last load ko na to eh

toot..toot! toot..toot!

(pepe nagpasaload 2 pesos..)

toot..toot! toot..toot! (pasaload received)

pedro(text): pare, nareceive ko na, thanks ha?

toot..toot! toot..toot!
pepe(text): gagu! wag ka na magreply sayang load pinasa ko sau

toot..toot! toot..toot!
pedro(text): ok!

AHAHAHAHA, ayos!

May mag kaibigan na naglalakad.....

Pare1: yo pre may gerbaks!!!! baka matapakan mo....
pare2: di yan gerbak!!!!
pare1: gerbak yan...
pare2: bobo mo di nga sabi eh..
Pare1: sige tikman na lang natin

(after the tikiman part)
pare2: tama ka nga gerbak yan!!!
pare1: sabi sayo eh... galing ko noh?
pare2: uu nga buti di ko na tapakan!!!!

:D

muhahahahaha!!!!.... wheres the joke?

The joke's on you!
_____

Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is.

AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.

Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining that the system wouldn't read word processing files from his old diskettes. After trouble-shooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem, it was found that the customer labeled the diskettes then rolled them into the typewriter to type the labels.

Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her efective diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with Xeroxed copies of the floppies.

A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold on, and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and crossing the room to close the door to his room.

Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "send" key.

Another Dell customer needed help setting up a new program, so a Dell tech suggested he go to the local Egghead. "Yeah, I got me a couple of friends,"the customer replied. When told Egghead was a software store, the man said, "Oh, I thought you meant for me to find a couple of geeks."

Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them individually.

A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was "bad and an invalid". The tech explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid" responses shouldn't be taken personally.

An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and
nothing happens." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the computer's mouse.

Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand-new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in, and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked "What power switch?"

I started a joke.. It started the whole world crying.. But I never see... that the joe was on meeee.. oooohhh that the joke was on meeeee-eeeeee-eeee. oooooh-oooh-ooooh-oooh...

yun ba ang tinutukoy mo? muhahaha!

That's an old song... Pero hindi yan ang tinutukoy ko... This topic was made to confuse you, empireboy, bwuahahahahahahaha...

A man dies and goes to Hell. The devil greets him
"You may choose which room you wish to enter. Whichever you choose, the person in that room will switch with you. They'll go to heaven and you'll take over until somebody switches with you. So go on, pick a room."

The devil leads him to the first room where someone is tied to a wall and is being whipped. The second room has someone being burned by a torch. The third has a man getting blown by a naked woman.

"I choose this room!" the man says.

"Very well," the devil says. He walks up to the woman and taps her on the shoulder.

"You can go now. I've found you're replacement."

rated pg! this is southpark humor!

the aristocrats

did you get it?

Damn it, walang speakers dito...

and you've got ta hear it man.. cartman's on a roll on this one XD